The White Man's Burden

I am fortunate enough to be married to a loyal subscriber/reader of the classiest of the classy celebrity rags, good old Us Weekly. As long as I allow Michelle the first shot at the magazine and don’t try anything funny, like reading over her shoulder or asking her if she’s come across any Hilary Duff photos, she is good enough to allow me second dibs on this fine piece of weekly literature. One of my favorite regular features in Us, aside from the “Stars…They’re Just Like Us!” photo spread and the obligatory article speculating on the stability of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's much-televised marriage, is the section called “Loose Talk”, which features various quotes from a wide range of celebs, who are likely being peppered with such hard-hitting questions as “Who did you have a crush on growing up?”, “Are you in favor of World peace?”, or, “Pilates or Yoga?”. One of these questioners must have asked Sandra Bullock, star of the upcoming completely-unnecessary sequel Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous, “What’s your favorite type of music?” Bullock’s quote addresses her love of music with a Latin flavor, something that’s more urban and edgy or something, and then she lays this one down:

“It ain’t easy being white.”

Wow, I couldn’t have said it any better myself. In fact, I was afraid to say anything on the subject, what with this being such a politically correct world these days. But thank God someone was brave enough to put it out there – to express what all of us ‘whiteys’ are feeling – being white is hard work! And how great is it that someone of Sandra Bullock’s standing was courageous enough to speak the almighty truth?? Only a celebrity could be truly relied upon to so eloquently profess the truth!

White folks do have it rough! None of the white people I know have ancestors who got a free trans-Atlantic trip with a bunch of their close friends – all for a job where they get to work outside most of the time! Man, I’d love to work outside! As it is, I sit in this stuffy office in this cramped cubicle, making a good living wage, wondering what it would be like to be so lucky! And up until the 1960’s, black people got their own drinking fountains, bathrooms, railcars – the works! Where’s my piece of that pie?? Everyone knows that the back of the bus is where all the excitement is! I tell you, I’m feeling somewhat gypped!

It’s hard being white! I don’t think many people throughout America, and yes even the world, know the kind of pressures we’re under! There is such a tremendous responsibility to carry when your family’s mean income per 1999 U.S. Census Bureau statistics sits at a lofty $44,366, while that of the average Hispanic and Black families is $30,735 and $27,910 respectively! Do you think those Power Point presentations are just going to format themselves? I think not! And consider what a slow news day it would be without all those white CEOs and CFOs bilking their companies for all those big bucks! We’re obviously doing all the work seeing as those black folks only hold 8.1% of the Board seats of Fortune 500 companies – where’s the work ethic, guys? It sounds like they must be slacking off in college, given that out of 433 new tenured professor positions at Ivy League schools filled during 2003, only 14 of the hires were black and 8 were Hispanic. Slackers! And I’m sure it must be nice to be able to sit home and watch Judge Mathis all day – however, we white folks are working too hard to enjoy such spoils, given that only 8% of us lived below the poverty line in 2002 – why, 24.1% of blacks and 21.8% of Hispanics enjoyed the spoils of poverty during that same year. I sure wish I had that many friends to keep me updated on each day’s episode of Maury!

Man, being white is tough! We are always worse at sports than black people! When you consider that 47% of athletes at major Division I universities participating in football and men’s and women’s basketball are black, it makes you feel pretty inferior. Yet blacks only hold 8.7% of coaching positions at these schools for football, 17% for men’s basketball, and 13% for women’s basketball, leaving us poor white guys and gals with the majority of the work related to watching film, drawing up plays, disciplining players and collecting paychecks – where’s the fun in that?? These kids get to play a game, and we get stuck doing all the work! Sure, they don’t get paid, but give me a break here!

Gosh, it’s hard to be white! Given that huge mean family income I have, I’m stuck with the responsibility of eating healthy! Booo! All the Hispanics and Blacks get to use that “I’m on an extremely tight budget” excuse so they can eat McDonald’s and Burger King all the time! I love Whoppers – where’s the love for me?? Sure, statistics from 1999-2002 provided by the Center for Disease Control indicate that 23% of Hispanic kids and 21% of black kids aged 12-19 are obese (compared with 14% of white kids in that age range) but that only means that those Hispanic and black kids are getting Big Macs for lunch every day, along with all the best Happy Meal toys! We’re missing out on some true deliciousness here, white people!

What a pain in the ass my white skin is! I’m out here in the work world, busting my hump every day – meanwhile, U.S. Department of Corrections statistics tell us that 9.3% of black males aged 25-29 are living the good life in prison with 3 hots and a cot! Um, hello, I pay for my food! Granted 1.1% of white males of the same age range are getting that same treatment, but fair is fair – let us in on the fun! I’ve seen Oz on HBO – I know it’s all sex and heroin and good times in there! Yet here we white males stand, with only a mere 465 of every 100,000 of us living it up in our nation’s correctional facilities, while a whopping 3,405 of every 100,000 black males are taking us to the cleaners! What a crock!!!

So, as anyone can plainly see, Sandra Bullock hit the nail right on the head – it ain’t easy being white!!!