This Love

Thanks to Michelle’s trusty subscription to beloved celebrity rag Us Weekly, the shocking news has been revealed that Jessica Simpson allegedly cheated on Nick Lachey while they were still pretending to be a couple in love for the purpose of promoting their MTV Series Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica. The “other” man? Why it’s Maroon 5 front-man Adam Levine! Now, a quick perusal of the official Maroon 5 website indicates that it would be set up much like any other celebrity’s site: links to news, bios, pics, info, and the ever-important store, where you can buy all kinds of Maroon 5-adorned crap – my favorite item would have to be the Maroon 5 black logo panties, which will no doubt need to be changed by their wearer once they get a peek at the dreamy Mr. Levine.

Oh, Adam Levine is dreamy alright. And if you don’t believe me, go take a gander at the staggering 317 pages of posts that comprise the Adam Levine Love Thread. Levine lovers such as M5FanoverFifty (who depressingly has posted 3,009 messages to the Maroon 5 website in the past 12 months) and Feet11 (hobbies: Listening to Maroon 5, knitting [while listening to Maroon 5], playing with my kids [while listening to Maroon 5]) (call DCFS, somebody, please!) pay homage to the dreamy rocker by posting picture after picture coupled with cutesy messages thanking each other for posting such wonderful pictures. And while it’s true what they say that a picture is worth a thousand words, the first few words that flow into my mind from looking at these pictures tell the whole story: “My name is Adam Levine. Look at me, for I am hot shit. See how hot I am? See how sexy my half-assed beard is? See my underwear? I am almost too cool to have fans, but I deserve the ones I have…” And on and on it goes. From the sullen rocker gaze to the smarmy grins to the painfully posed “action shots” to the “oh, yeah, I guess being in the VIP section of this hot LA club is kind of cool and all” photos, it doesn’t take yours truly to reach the conclusion that aside from the fact that he puts out (in my humble opinion) shitty music, I don’t think I care very much for Mr. Levine.

Which brings me back to Jessica Simpson. I realize that this marriage of hers was likely doomed from the start. I don’t imagine it’s ever a good idea to allow the delicate first years of your marriage, your “lifelong commitment” to another human being, play out on television airwaves. Regardless of how good it may be for ratings, it’s probably not a wise idea to paint yourself as a buffoon by wondering whether buffalos have wings or acting confused when tuna is called “Chicken of the Sea”, especially when you are not legitimately so stupid. Further, one would think that when you are a) a widely recognizable celebrity and b) married, it almost certainly wouldn’t be prudent to engage in coitus with someone who is not your spouse and not expect some backlash. But here we are with fresh allegations that, while still indeed married to noted Cincinnati Bengals fan Lachey, Simpson and Levine were having an affair. And now that the marriage has ended, it appears that she and the “bad boy rocker” (Us Weekly’s term, not mine) are now an item, with their recent meeting at Levine’s hotel resulting in a visit from the hotel’s security unit responding to another customer’s complaint of “loud, amorous noises” emitting from the room. Puke.

Now of course Jessica comes off as despicable for this adulterous act. However, I maintain that it takes two to tango, and given her stature as a pop culture icon, there is no feasible way Levine couldn’t have known that she had a husband. Yet there he went, romancing her, wooing her, perhaps even performing oral sex on her, despite the fact that she was married. And judging from what little I know of him, from that crappy album his band put out (I believe there’s still only the one – are we looking at the next Coldplay?) those pictures that scream thousands of unlikable, arrogant and narcissistic words about him, part of the whole appeal was to prove a point: “I can bang Jessica Simpson if I want because hey, I’m Adam Fucking Levine.” If Lachey wasn’t such good friends with Matt Leinhart, I might feel sorry for him. But I guess in a sense Simpson and Levine deserve one another. They both enjoy unprecedented publicity as a result of their limited accomplishments. They both rely heavily, perhaps too heavily, on their good looks. They both think the LA club scene is just to die for. And by 2008, they will both likely be rotting away on Lite FM stations across the country. So maybe, just maybe, things do happen for a reason. Maybe these are two self-centered star-crossed lovers that truly deserve each other. So I say kudos to you, Jessica – go have a great time w/Adorable Adam in his hotel room. And after you two get done fucking each other, go fuck yourselves.a