'Tis the Season...for Luxury!

Seasons greetings, all you Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanza/Festivus/Other celebrants! A very warm, vaguely non-secular holiday season to all of you! That's right, if there's one wonderful trend that's carried over from the 1990's to this yet-to-be-stereotyped decade (perhaps the zero-chance-at-maintaining-civil-liberties-zeroes?) is that of our tendency to not want to offend anyone. Merry Christmas? Offensive! Christmas tree? How dare you! Santa Claus? Hang him from the highest tree! Yes, we must be careful how we wish people peace and goodwill this time of year, because God/Yaweh/Allah forbid it comes from the heart!

OK, this is somewhat of an extremist viewpont - I personally have no problem saying "Happy Holidays" or, better yet, saying nothing at all. Yet the conservative AM talk station here in Chicago (560-WIND - their billboards boast "Liberals Hate Us!" - a fine selling point), which inexplicably hosts the Fighting Illini sports network, had no problem with shoving the "Merry Christmas" message down our throats, boasting "WE'RE not afraid to say it!" Way to stand up for what you believe in AND be smug about it!

As we all know all too well, this time of year has become less about the religious significance of past events and more about commercialism, weight gain, depression - you know, all the things that make America what it is. It's no secret that when October rolls around each year, we all begin to see the signs that we are going to have the fact that retailers rely on us during the fourth quarter to meet their lofty pro forma financial goals for the fiscal year crammed squarely down our throats. Sure, it's usually well packaged and sugar-coated just enough to keep us sane for the next two months. We've all seen the cutesy Target ads with the two sets of cute triplets opening their cute gifts and looking so happy that they've received goods that are available for sale at your local Target store. We know all too well that JC Penney, Marshall's, Best Buy, Overstock.com, Circuit City and the like all have exactly what you need for your holiday shopping needs - including the whopper credit card bill you're going to receive in January (of course, I can't wait for the January commercials that boast sales for those folks who have maxed themselves out, another proud American tradition, but I digress).

As loyal readers of my writings know, the two annual events that I am guaranteed to wax philisophical on are 1) St. Patrick's Day, where I juxtapose great moments in Irish-American history with the current tendency of hijacking the holiday as a vile booze-fest, and 2) the ever-so-popular Lexus December to Remember sales event. Yes, every year, Lexus reaches out to the general public to offer a gift idea everyone can agree on - a luxury automobile.

My favorite commercial (oh, how I hate to have to pick a favorite!) features the wife/mom (the attractive mature lady from the aforementioned Overstock.com ads....Rrrrowr!) surfing the net and feeling dismay, for she just cannot decide what to get her husband for Christmas. Does she get him golf clubs (est price - $500)? Does she go with the cashmiere sweater (est price $250)? She is torn! Are these gifts special enough for her darling husband, the provider of her family? NO!

Then, at her lowest moment of holiday shopping quandary, as if implored by the gods (or the folks at Lexus), she turns to look out the window, most likely to gaze longingly in hopes of thinking of the perfect gift for such a wonderful provider...and there it is. A Lexus, with a ribbon on top! Is this a dream, she seems to wonder? Then, in a moment of delicious coincidence, the Lexus pulls away, and it turns out the giant ribbon actually adorns the gated home across the way (of course it's a gated home - we're Lexus-shopping here!). Well, that's all the inspiration she needs, for in the next scene she has led her husband out to the garage. He is a handsome man - graying, yet dignified - and he is dressed for success - the Saturday garb of a high-powered corporate executive or orthopedic surgeon, perhaps. At that moment, his attractive, loving wife pulls her hands away from his eyes to reveal a beautiful, shiny, silver Lexus! "Merry Christmas" she seems to tell him without saying a word, and his face lights up with a joy that only a luxury automobile can provide, as he envisions a brighter future and a more luxurious ride as he drives his sons to lacrosse practice.

So, this is the image that Lexus has presented us with: Stuck with your shopping? Buy one of our cars on a whim, put a red ribbon on it, and be the best gift-giver this world has ever seen! Yet there is an untold part of this tale - how, from the moment of her epiphany to the revelation of this most-perfect of all holiday gifts, did things come to be? How much did it cost? Was tax, title and lisence included? Whose credit was checked? How much did this set the family back? For the benefit of all my readers who are considering buying a Lexus as a gift (better hurry, only 3 shopping days left!) I have done you the service of filling in these pesky gaps.

Let's pick the story up from the point where the attractive wife, in a flash of brilliance, says to herself, "by gum, I'm going to get that man I love a Lexus!" This being Amereica, let's assume this family is among the millions with an unhealthy obsession with the Sports Utility Vehicle, so Attractive Wife opts for the Lexus LX470 SUV - a fine automobile for the upwardly mobile, and with a sticker price of a mere $67,990, quite the affordable impulse buy. And let's also assume that, seeing as they obviously have more than they could every hope for (aside from golf clubs, a cashmiere sweater and a luxury SUV), Attractive Wife doesn't find it necessary to succumb to the temptation of the various frivolous upgrades, such as Lexus Night view ($2200), Lexus Link ($900) or the ever-popular rear-spoiler ($280). However, seeing as their children are likely avid movie viewers and likely don't have much to discuss with their parents seeing as Graying Handsome Husband likely works 70 hour weeks, let's say Attractive Wife opts for the Lexus DVD Rear Seat Entertainment System, a bargain at $2,469). So that brings the price up to the low, low price of $70,459!

OK, I'm going to assume (maybe not safely, but whatever) that Attractive Wife has not been able to sock away 70-large in some secret Christmas account, so some financing will be involved. However, let's say instead of spending her weekly allowance money on pearl earrings, pilates class and copper spatulas at Williams Sonoma, she did scrimp and save and was able to come up with $10,000 (that's a big allowance she gets). So she goes to her local Lexus dealer, slaps down the 10 G's and asks to finance the rest. Now, a credit check will likely need to be run at this point, and in our scenario we are assuming that Graying Handsome Husband brings home all of the bacon in his high profile job - so are they going to come back with a FICO score of 750 for a housewife? Or does she simply authorize them to run the check on her hubby since he'll be financing this gift? Well, instead of making my head explode thinking of how this woman could finance $60,000 without her husband's knowledge, I'll say she's a working mom - maybe she runs a lucrative home-cosmetics business, grosses 100k, and after expenses/overhead/taxes pulls home 35,000 of her own ($2900 per month). Let's further assume she's got a great credit score, thereby ensuring her the prime APR of 6.8%. Isn't impulse shopping fun?

OK, so we have a working mom netting 35,000 who goes and buys a luxury SUV on a whim, puts a whopping 10k down and finances the rest over 60 months. Hey honey, not only did I give you a brand new SUV for Christmas, I also got you an obligation to pay almost $1,200 per month for the next 60 months - don't you just love it? Sure, we'll be paying over $70,000 in cash on top of the $10,000 we already put down at the start of this whole fiasco, but I just love you so much and knew you'd love it! Who needs a new set of golf clubs, right? Honey? Who are you calling? Your divorce lawyer? And Oprah? For her "Couples in Stupid Debt" special? Honey?

So as you can clearly see, the Lexus December to Remember sales event presents your average family with an easy, affordable option for the holidays. Who needs iPods, sweaters and turkey roasters when you can ride in the lap of luxury, and only have to part with $80,000 in cash over the course of 5 years to have it? So hurry to your nearest dealer, because this fantastic offer, like your fiscal security, won't last long!

Oh, and Merry Christmas.

Until next time...