On Parenthood

Everything changed that day.

November 13, 2005 – a day that will always hold a very dear place in my heart. Not only would it have been Michelle’s Grandfather’s 92nd birthday, but it also happens to be the day that she impressed me like I have never been impressed before – the day she gave birth to our son. There’s no feasible way I can describe in writing the feeling I had that day – and continue to have – but I will tell you that it really makes you adopt a new way of looking at things. My brother Greg put it best: “It gives you a reason to not be so eager to put yourself in life-threatening peril.” Well said.

Given my upbringing as a TV Casualty, parenthood has given me great cause to re-examine things I have observed on television, if only to make sense of bearing this great responsibility Michelle and I have chosen to shoulder. As I look back over my life as a television viewer, I am given great reason to reflect on the life lessons I have gathered from all of the great programs that have molded and shaped my approach as a father.

• One thing has always bothered me about The Brady Bunch – in the pilot episode where Mike and Carol partake in their nuptials, I am disturbed by the scene where Mike visits Bobby in his room, only to take notice that Bobby has removed the picture of his deceased mother he keeps by his bed. Mike and Bobby proceed to share a tender moment whereby Mike urges Bobby to always carry the memory of his mother deep within his heart and to never forget her. By the time the next few episodes roll around, Tiger is stealing everyone’s shit, there’s a goddamned payphone in the TV room and Bobby’s calling his brand-spanking-new stepmother “Mom” like she had squeezed him out of her own womb. And none of this seems to bother Mike in the least. It’s almost as if he’s adopted the attitude of “hey, the sooner he forgets my dead wife, the sooner I have to stop dealing with his night terrors and bedwetting.” Am I the only one who finds Bobby’s eagerness to forget his mother absolutely chilling in its sheer indifference?

• Growing up, I was an avid viewer of The Courtship of Eddie’s Father – don’t ask why, because to be quite honest I have no clue myself (note to self: ask Mom why the hell I watched that show). Perhaps I saw Bill Bixby and figured if I waited long enough he would turn into Lou Ferrigno with green body paint and purple pants. Now if memory serves correct, aside from the haunting theme song, the most memorable thing about this show, aside from the fact that Brandon Cruz went on to be in a punk band (Greg, which one?), was the presence of Mrs. Livingston, the Japanese maid. What was her story? Does her surname suggest a life of isolation resulting from her interracial relationship with her unidentified husband? How was she compensated? Does she approve of Tom Corbett’s promiscuity? Have they ever had relations? These are things that shouldn’t just be left to twist in the wind.

• Regarding Family Ties – just how in the hell is it that two peace-loving, nuclear war-hating, pot-smoking hippie freaks like Steven and Elyse Keaton raise such a fascist little shit like Alex P. Keaton? Is this a commentary on the dangers of pushing your child to conform to your viewpoints? Was Michael J. Fox’s character serving as a symbol that even well meaning intentions could inadvertently give birth to sinister tidings? Or did the creators of the show simply think it would be funny to have a child ridicule his parents for pissing away a vote on the Mondale-Ferraro ticket? I guess we’ll never know.

• OK, let me get this straight – first Jim Walsh can’t stand Dylan, the bad seed that happens to be diddling his precious daughter. Later, after Dylan has dumped his daughter for her best friend, Jim takes him and his millions of precious dollars on as a preferred client. What kind of message are you sending, Mr. Walsh? Well, I guess Casa De Walsh isn’t going to pay for itself. The Almighty Dollar wins again.

• I’ve always found it fascinating just how quickly sitcom parents can address their kids drug problems. These issues rarely, if ever, carry over from one half-hour episode to the next. Mr. Drummond flushes Willis’ weed down the toilet. Problem solved! Jason Seaver worriedly locked the door after taking his teenage son’s word that he didn’t try coke at a coke party. No worries! Steven and Elyse Keaton shake their fingers at Alex in his crazed speed-induced state, and he sees the light. Nary a concern! At least that loser son on Blossom (no, the loser NOT named Joey Lawrence) constantly reminded us of his former addict ways in an increasingly unfunny manner from week to week.

• Not to digress, but my God – I was just doing research for that last paragraph (I Googled “A very special episode and went to Wilkpedia.com), and I came across the following descriptions for two very special episodes of Facts of Life, which made me wish I actually watched the show more often:

o A pimp almost strong-arms Tootie into prostitution.

o Natalie is almost raped by a clown on Halloween.

Thank goodness they stopped at “almost”! Of course I’ve seen the one where Blair is ashamed of her cerebral palsy-afflicted comedienne cousin Geri, but I ask you – how in the name of all that is holy have I never seen these other two episodes? The quest begins…

• I am appalled that America was not more outspoken about Mabel Thomas’ blatant use of physical violence to reprimand her son Raja. I mean, she only outweighed him by 350 pounds – not a fair fight if you ask me. Mabel, give me YOUR belt and we’ll see how you like it (this reminds me of my favorite fat joke where Rerun gives her his belt and she bellows, “Good LAWD, Rerun – I want to whip him, not hang him!” Man, I miss that show).

• Hey, did you know that the dad from Alf was featured in the Enquirer smoking crack and making out with homeless men? Once again, life imitates art.

• Given his short fuse, gruff demeanor, protective attitude towards his daughters and overall flair for the dramatic, I was thrown for quite the loop when Gimmie a Break’s Chief Kanisky took the fact that his daughter Katie had implanted an inter-uterine device in her reproductive organs in order to avoid pregnancy virtually in stride. I guess it pays to have an overweight black woman who acts as housemaid and caregiver to your children to help put these things into their proper perspective.

• OK, like any red-blooded American male adolescent would, I had my fair share of crushes on TV Moms/Mother Figures. Maggie Seaver, even with her horrid perm, was quite the looker. Elyse Keaton had that homely-yet-pretty down home quality to her. Hell, even Claire Huxtible kept herself in pretty damn good shape, right? But to me, none of these ladies holds a candle to Kate from Silver Spoons. She could ride my train through the house any day of the week! ROWR!

• I find the whole concept of My Two Dads extremely insulting. Here you have two men (“lifelong friends” as they are described on www.tv.com) who can each lay claim to screwing the same woman at the same time. OK, I’m sure it wasn’t the exact same time, but it was within the same menstrual cycle at the very least, because said woman became pregnant and gave birth to a daughter (played by Staci Keanan, who I had a huge crush on when she was on Step by Step, a delicious pun as it involved step-families). Apparently the woman dies shortly after giving birth, and both men are appointed the baby girl’s legal guardians. I want to know what sick, activist judge handed down such a ruling. “OK, we have a dead woman and an infant girl. In my opinion, the best situation for her is to be raised by two guys who happened to be fornicating with her slut of a mother. Never mind that they have no legal obligation to remain friends, nor would they given the betrayal they both must be feeling, but what the hell? Custody granted to these two dudes. Next case!” That this abomination lasted 60 episodes is a true testament to the entertainment value demanded by the ever-fastidious American TV viewing public.

Until next time…