So Much to Live For

The news is all abuzz today with reports that a federal judge would not order the reinsertion of brain-damaged Florida woman Terry Schiavo’s feeding tube, which will likely ultimately result in her clinical death. This news comes much to the chagrin of “Right to Live” folks everywhere, including the Bush boys, President George W. and G.O.B., er, P. Governor Jeb of Florida. Despite the House of Representatives’ last minute mad dash to keep alive this woman who hasn’t been able to feed herself in almost 15 years in order to “protect life”, right now it appears that her husband Michael will get his wish and allow his wife to discontinue her suffering.

Oh, poor Michael – doesn’t he see how much Terry has to live for? Think about it – she gets to stay in bed all day and gets to avoid common annoyances such as going to work, paying bills, chewing and swallowing food, and having meaningful interaction with other humans. We should all only be so lucky! You wouldn’t have to answer to anyone if your only method of communication was saying “AAAAAAAANNNNMMMM”! Thankfully, there are congressmen and nutjobs all over this great land of ours who are good enough to pry into private family affairs via emergency legislation and misguided protests in order to keep alive a woman they’ve never met or interacted with. Who cares if all she would do is stare blankly at them should this interaction ever occur? She’s got a right to live! “This is your President speaking – stick that tube of basic nourishment back into that woman so she can keep on enjoying the good, catatonic life she’s lived for 15 years!”

Why should we want to see anyone die? They have a right to live! Every person in America has that God-given right, so let’s not take it away! Well, unless of course you’re a criminal on death row – in that case, it’s an eye for an eye, buster, so good riddance! Fire up that electric chair, but make sure you keep that feeding tube in!

Last night, as I struggled to understand this complicated issue, I found something that gives Terry – and yes, all of us – a reason to live, to choose life, to respect that right to keep our base organs functioning despite having little to no functioning cerebral cortex – of course, I am referring to the Oxygen network’s newest reality experience, Mr. Romance!

(Great segue, huh? Bet you didn’t see that one coming)

Yes, it’s Mr. Romance – “hosted”, I guess you could say, by the greatest living hunk with no other discernable talents – the one, the only, Fabio! I say “hosted” because the only time I saw him during the 15 minute span I was fortunate enough to watch was leading into a commercial break where he declared in broken English, “There can only be one!”

One what, you ask? Well, in order to do this contest any justice, I’ll need to let http://www.oxygen.com/ explain…

“Nobody said being a male fantasy figure was easy -- and 12 men are finding out firsthand just how hard it can be in this six week ‘romance academy’ reality series, culminating in America’s first annual ‘Man Pageant’. One winning Adonis will be awarded a $50,000 cash prize, a lifetime gym membership and a contract to appear on the cover of future Harlequin romance novels”

That’ll get Terry Schiavo’s brain cells boiling, eh Bush brothers?? Twelve of the hunkiest slices of beefcake this side of Venice Beach are participating to be the guy who’s poorly painted image will appear on the cover of raunchy period-piece novels penned by struggling writers and read by unfulfilled, frumpy housewives and divorcees all across America. Last evening, I was “fortunate” enough to watch the guys go through a “Greek Mythology” challenge, which consisted of the following:

- Tearing off their Oxygen network-supplied toga in front of a group of nameless toga-wearing females.

- Standing still as the aforementioned females donned blindfolds and groped at their muscles to determine which Adonis was the most rock solid, hairless and pleasing to the touch.

- Seeing who could hold the required “novel pose” for the longest period of time – in this case, the guys had to drop almost to one knee while standing on a 2x4 and pulling back a bow and arrow. One of the guys was eliminated after 16 seconds because he became too focused on figuring out which of the women were checking him out at the time.

As much as I wish I had the imagination to make this stuff up, and as much as I wish that none of this were actually happening, I can assure you this was 100% real. After watching the loser of the pose competition ask another guy to take a few polaroids of his shirtless torso as the other hunks snickered at him, I quietly turned off the TV and thanked God for such quality programming. And now I implore all of you to write your local congressmen, the President and the Supreme Court and let them know that there is now yet another reason for all of us to choose life!

I thank you.