One Hit Shit

Greetings to The Nine - I figured I'd offer up my quick thoughts on one topic for today (hence the title of this blurb): The Miss Universe Pageant!

- Tuning into NBC at 8:00 CDT, I am confused by the fact that, despite being billed as a live event, the show is coming to us from Bangkok, Thailand. Curious, I watch as 81 beauties from all over the planet submit thier name, age and country of origin, primarily in heavily broken English.

- I am immediately re-confused when I see that Miss Norway and Miss Netherlands are both brunettes. Sadly, Michelle can offer no good reason why this is the case.

- Our hosts for Miss Universe 2005 are also the hosts of Extra!, or Access Hollywood, or Entertainment Tonight, or whatever: Nancy O'Dell (of Project Runway/Oscar Red Carpet fame) and some tool who is clearly a Ryan Seacrest Wannabe.

- The Quasi-Seacrest confirms that, yes, the show is live from Thailand and it's 8:00 AM local time. Given that the giant auditorium is packed to the rafters with people, I wonder aloud whether the Thai military was ordered to round up citizens to dress up and serve as audience members, lest the brass at NBC (i.e. Donald "Can You Say Overexposed?" Trump) pull their strings in Washington to have sanctions slapped on Thailand faster than you can say "Kim Jong Il".

- "Aren't these 81 ladies lovely? We'll be cutting the field down to 15 after this break."

- After leading the Blackhawks to a 10-1 thrashing of the lowly Calgary Flames (Virtual J: 1 PPG, 1 A), I return to leer at the final 10 ladies strut their stuff in identical white bikinis. Eight of the final 10 are from the Western Hemisphere, including the NAFTA Triumverant of USA, Canada and Mexico. I smell a conspiracy.

- I noticed that during times where there is mass applause heard over the broadcast, most of the people I see are sitting facing forward with their hands in their laps, lending further credence to my Participation by Force theory.

- Quasi-Seacrest interviews sassy Queer Eye fashion icon Carson Kressley on his thoughts, which leads to the following exchange:

Quasi-Seacrest: "So Carson, what do you think of the ladies ability to strut their stuff"

Carson: "Wow, I haven't looked at girls in, like, my whole life, but they're doing great."

QS: "Hey, great. Say Carson, as the only straight guy up there, how am I looking?"

C: "You're looking pretty good, but you're not in the competition!"

QS: "Hey, great. We'll be right back"

It's a good thing I don't keep guns in the house.

- The field of 10 is trimmed to the following five: Canada, Mexico, Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, Paraguay. Five Western Hemisphere countries, including four from Latin America. We're in Thailand and they can't even throw a bone to Asia? And no Eastern Europe - who's dominating the mail order bride business, anyway?

- Sadly I do not stick around long enough to see the ending, although my money was on Miss Paraguay.

So there you have it - an insider's quick take on the pageantry of the Miss Universe Pageant. I'm sure fun was had by all, at least after the sun came up.