Today's Top 5 - April 6, 2005

Top 5 people I’ve wished gonorrhea on in the last 48 hours:

1. Roy Williams, Head Coach, North Carolina Tar Heels – I couldn’t give a rat’s ass if Roy had to suffer the next 400 years as “The Greatest Coach Never to Win a Championship”. There is no better title for someone with such a general ineptitude for his craft. Plus he coaches at UNC, whose fans, according to Vahl, are about the biggest bunch of arrogant pricks this side of Ohio State, after coaching Kansas. Blecch! Maybe Roy can pay special thanks to the Greatest Referees Ever to Call Five Touch Fouls on James Augustine But Not The Three Obvious Fouls Committed Against Roger Powell. Mutherfucker.

2. Kenny Williams, General Manager, Chicago White Sox – “Hey, I’ve got an idea. Let’s get rid of two guys who are guaranteed for .300-30-100 numbers every year for the next 4 or 5 years and instead build our team around weak-hitting base stealers, unproven 30-year-old Japanese guys and career back-ups and preach our great ‘small-ball’ attack, despite the fact that we play in the most home-run prone park in the Major Leagues!” (Note: After I wished gonorrhea on K-Wil, I checked the ESPN.com scoreboard and noticed that the Sox put up 4 runs in the bottom of the ninth in front of 10,000+ wonderful fans (ugh) to pull out a 4-3 victory, so Kenny’s also on my list to receive the first dose of antibiotics…for now).

3. Sean May, Forward, North Carolina Tar Heels – O’Hal and I agreed that the only way Illinois was going to stop him was if Jack Ingram pulled a shank out of his sock and stabbed May multiple times in the throat.

Jim Nance: “And it appears that Illinois has resorted to some rough defense in response to May’s stellar performance.”

Billy Packer: “Illinois is losing their mind. They are a bunch of thugs. Jim, if you’ll excuse me, I am now going to invite every fan of UNC to come down here and sodomize me because I love their school and the ACC so much.”

4. Dick Vitale, Loudmouthed Basketball Sage – “OOOh, baby! Mr. May and Mr. McCants are number one, baby! Let me get Coach K’s balls out of my mouth long enough to tell you how awesome North Carolina is! They’re dancing on Tobacco Road! I’m so happy and full of myself I could shit in my diaper-dandy! The ACC is awesome, baby!”

5. Bill Wirtz, Overlord/Fuhrer, Chicago Blackhawks – Wishing gonorrhea on this man has become an involuntary activity for me, much like breathing or blinking.