News and Notes - April 14, 2005

• So, Britney Spears-Federline is going to have a baby – how sweet! Who wouldn’t want to have the child of a half-bearded white trash former underwear model who dresses like a black guy? How many times has a trashy-yet-attractive girl given birth, only to have her looks fade faster than the Cubs during the last week of the 2004 season and be reduced to a paunchy, Cheeto-eating, acne riddled shadow of their former selves with a bratty towhead child and a no-working, good-for-nothing man at her side? Whatever that number is, it’s going to be bumped up by one in a few trimesters.

• In perfect tandem with the release of the Spears-Federline bombshell, the Associated Press asked three “lifestyle authors” (could there be a more irrelevant occupation?) to comment on the baby possibilities of other celebs, such as J-Lo-Anth, Demi Moore-Kutcher, Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie and Oprah Winfrey – a venerable Murderer’s Row of Overexposure! I’m sure it’s fun to speculate on the reproductive abilities of people you’ve likely never spoken to in your entire life, save for a handful of inane questions you may have asked in a hotel suite during a mass interview process – I guess that’s one of the perks of being a lifestyle author! Never mind that J-Lo may have a faulty uterus, or that Jennifer Aniston doesn’t even have a man at the moment (a fact that led lifestyle author and meddler Lisa Earle McLeod to note “If she’s a mom, she’d be a single mom…I suspect it would be harder than any role she’s ever played” – Really, genius? You have a suspicion that raising and caring for a human being would be harder than playing Rachael Green on Friends? Tell us more, oh wise sage!). And to think I thought there were more important things in life than debating whether Oprah’s menopause or Britney’s pregnancy would nab more headlines, or that Jessica Simpson’s potential baby buzz can be gauged at three out of a possible five pregnancy tests. Crime? Cancer? Writing a stupid blog about reality TV and such? No, this is far more important!

• Speaking of reality TV – I am oh-so-sad to report that I have not been keeping up with The Bachelor. Unfortunately I there were more pressing matters at hand, like watching Illinois…ugh…lose in the National Championship game, or starting blankly at the floor – important stuff. However, I am hell bent on providing a valuable service here, which is why I have chosen to share some excerpts from Charlie’s Diary – yes, it’s time to go inside the brain of ABC’s latest heartthrob to see what makes the man tick and how this obviously difficult process has affected him.

Week 1: “There were about five ladies who could have received the final two roses tonight. I really had no idea what to do. I basically just chose the two women I felt most confident about, and I'm hoping I made the right decision. I felt slightly better when the women I cut left and they all wished me the best of luck. I hope they all understand what great women they are, and what a hard decision it was for me. But at the same time, I'm looking forward to the next round of dates. It's going to be quite a ride!”

Well, he’s not calling them “chicks”, so that’s a step in the right direction. I really do feel like I have a window into Charlie’s psyche here: He was lost, then confident, then sad, then slightly better, then hopeful, then reflective, then optimistic, and finally excited – what a rollercoaster!

Week 2: “I'm trying not to concern myself with the ladies' problems.”

Good for you, Charlie! Women have problems – all sorts of them! It’s best to just ignore them and worry about which ones you’re going to have sex with.

Week 2: “I'm not looking to give a girl a rose that I don't have a big connection with, and if any of the ladies are fighting to stick around just to be around, they're barking up the wrong tree.”

What about a medium connection? And why else would these “ladies” be fighting to stay around? For love? Wake up, you fool – what’s the track record on the number of couples whose amazing, big connections have carried them to the altar? You’re telling me you want to end up like Trista and Ryan – living in some log cabin completely outfitted by Pottery Barn and still yearning for celebrity so badly that you invite rag magazines to snap pictures of your Pottery Barn-decorated log cabin? Sad.

Week 3: “I really like her as a person, but I don't think that we had the same connection that I have with some of the other women.”

Translation: She wouldn’t put out as easily as some of the other chicks..er..ladies.

What an exciting season – I’m sure there are plenty more amazing things to come, more connections of all sizes, and yes, more rose ceremonies, each more dramatic than the last. Stay tuned! Or don’t, it really doesn’t matter.

• Speaking of Ryan from Trista and Ryan, I thought Willem Dafoe was excellent as the Green Goblin in the original Spider-man movie.

• Rest in Peace, Pope John Paul II. In honor of the Pope's passing, I have taken the liberty of compiling some of the highlights of his career since assuming the papacy in 1978:

o March 1979 – Visits Chicago, seat of largest Polish community outside of Poland; downs 15 potato pancakes, 23 mushroom perogi and 3 kielbasa sausages at the Red Apple in 3 minutes, which qualifies as his first miracle.

o June 1983 – Co-writes “Eyes Without a Face” with Billy Idol; removes name from writing credits when Idol refuses to remove “turning holy water into wine; drinking it down, oooh, gigolo” line from original recording.

o January 1986 – Pulls an all-night prayer session asking God to help the Bears smite the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl; takes Lord’s name in vain when Walter Payton fails to score a touchdown; assigns self 25 rosaries as penance.

o March 1990 – Attends Academy Awards with Best Actress Oscar winner Kathy Bates (“Misery”); spends months denying speculation they are dating.

o April 1995 – Scores 36 points, including a game-winning three-pointer with 2.6 seconds remaining, to vault the Houston Rockets to a 111-109 victory over the Dallas Mavericks, and thereby clinching home-court advantage throughout the playoffs.

o November 1998 – Speaks out against the Vatican’s first openly-gay hairdresser.

o June 2003 – In the wake of child molestation accusations against priests in the Boston diocese, burns city of Boston to the ground.

o April 2005 – Goes to heaven, only to find it’s filled with gays, Jews and unwed mothers; opts for purgatory instead.

Until next time (if I haven’t already been stricken dead due to blasphemy)...