News and Notes - September 1, 2005

And away we go...

- Being the dutiful dirt-digger-upper that she is, Michelle has recently run across a "reliable" source that both Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson like to ride the white pony. Yes - these two weight-losing vixens are allegedly partying like it's 1979. No word on whether Lindsay has grown out her pinky nail or if Jessica has done lines off of Johnny Knoxville's ass, but I promise to keep you posted. I for one pray that this turns out to be true - that way, when Michelle condemns my marijuana use, I can simply say "but you love Jessica Simpson, and she gets to bump rails to her heart's content!" I'll just keep that one in my back pocket, thank you.

- Fewer things are more disappointing than finally coming across Revenge of the Nerds on TV, only to have it airing on WGN (or other regular TV). Scenes recycled over dialogue that makes no sense. Nary a breast to be found. Not one utterance of the classic phrases "wonder joints", "hair pie", or "I thought I was looking at my mother's old douchebag, but that's in Ohio". Sad.

- Today at work, I was the victim of poor bathroom etiquette. In all of our men's rooms are three stalls. In addition, there are two urinals, which are spaced approximately 4 inches apart, with the left one sitting about 3 inches from the wall. Therefore, if you are going in the left urinal, you are forced to straddle the imaginary line that exists between the urinals. This means that proper etiquette would dictate that, if one of the urinals is in use when you enter the bathroom, you would politely excuse yourself to one of the stalls to do your business. There was no such courtesy extended to yours truly today as I was preparing to urinate into the left urinal. Another gentlemen entered the men's room and stepped right up to the urinal to my right, despite the fact that I was straddling the imaginary line. In order to allow for proper personal space, I was forced to pee with my left shoulder pressed up against the wall. Was this individual raised by wolves? Emily Post, where art thou?

- The one current celebrity phenomenon that continues to baffle me is Tara Reid. She has the eyes of a junkie, the voice of a 3-pack-a-day smoker, the sagging fake breasts of a aging stripper, and the demeanor of a desperately lost soul. Yet E! Entertainment Television, in their infinite wisdom, has devoted an entire season of their Wild On program to the exploits of Ms. Reid and renamed it Taradise in a delicious little pun. Think about it - there are people earning a decent wage by following around Tara Reid with cameras and microphones as she hangs with her best bud Paris Hilton and her fiancee', also named Paris, in Athens. Do both Paris and Paris respond when Tara says "Hey, Paris"? I don't know. My thought on this whole debacle is that while Reid thinks the E! crew is there to show the world what an intelligent, gentle soul she really is, the producers sit in a room with a lovely view of Hollywood and smirk, "Wow, Tara Reid acting like a clueless ass was the best thing we put on TV since the True Hollywood Story on Corey Feldman!". And the slow road to hell rolls on.

- More reasons the terrorists hate Americans: Lexus commericals, Jessica Simpson's $11,000 clothes shopping spree in which she bought 6 items (as reported by Us Weekly), competitive eating contests, negative amortization home loans, Ray Stevens' "Ahab the A-rab", Burger King's Chicken Fries, the Maroon 5, literal interpretations of the Bible, the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

- As many of you know, I am approximately 2 months away from becoming partially responsible for the overall well-being of an infant - a scary proposition given the content of this blog. However, I feel I am up to the task, and I have been approaching this new phase in my life with great enthusiasm, right down to the task of registering for baby goods. Given that I am anal, worrisome and cheap, I have tried to devour as much information I can about the best quality for the best price, especially when picking out cribs, car seats and strollers - those things that my kid will have to be in for any extended period of time. Thanks to my new favorite book "Baby Bargains", I have become privvy to what I have dubbed the Bugaboo Fraud.

Bugaboo Frog is a Danish company that basically manufactures and sells ludicrously high-priced strollers. Now, you don't want to be chinsy when buying a stroller. However, I maintain that the incremental benefit of upgrading from a $50 stroller to a $150 stroller is enormous, while the incremental benefit of jumping from that $150 stroller to a $800 stroller is miniscule at best. Why is the Bugaboo Frog $800 you ask? Beats me. It's manufactured in Taiwan, which means that overall production costs, including materials, labor and overhead, can't be more than $45 (and I'm being conservative here). It's not made of gold, so that's out. Hmm, let's see...oh yeah! I believe Gweneth Paltrow has a Bugaboo Frog! I think Julia Roberts has one too! And I'll bet Sarah Jessica Parker pushes her little urchin around in that very same stroller! So are they marking up the price so they can fleece these wealthy celebreties? Highly doubtful! Chances are, once the folks at Bugaboo heard that Gwen was knocked up, they likely shipped one right over to her free of charge! Then, just like on the red carpet when a celeb says "I'm wearing Gucci" and ravenously materialistic women everywhere run out and slap their credit card on the Gucci counter, a phenomenon is created and ravenously materialistic pregnant women run out to secure their Bugaboo Fraud..er...Frog stroller at $800 a pop, if only to emulate Debra Messing as much as they possibly can. So kudos to you, Bugaboo, for duping the American public out of their hard earned credit!

Until next time...