News and Notes - July 19, 2005

• Cuba Gooding Jr., meet Jamie Foxx. We all remember Mr. Gooding Jr. for his deranged Oscar acceptance speech after he won Best Supporting Actor for his role in Jerry Maguire, and then for his subsequent descent into obscurity as he starred in such “films” as Rat Race, Snow Dogs and Boat Trip, undoubtedly cashing in on his instant celebrity in the process. Now, Mr. Foxx, who was excellent as blind crooner Ray Charles in Ray, is starring in the summer’s hottest new action hit Stealth about a bunch of people who fly really fucking awesome fighter plans. Believe me, I know people who will likely get a hard-on during this movie because of the sheer kick-assedness of the planes involved (note that I said “know”, not “associate with”). Soon after this movie tanks and appears on Blockbuster Video’s shelves inside of 2 months, Mr. Foxx will star in Miami Vice, the latest in the seemingly never-ending series of movies based on old TV shows that really weren’t that good in the first place (Bewitched, The Honeymooners, Dukes of Hazard). Welcome back to obscurity, Jamie – we’ve saved you a lovely seat by the fire.

• Yes, you read right – I think that Dukes of Hazard might be one of the stupidest shows to ever grace our fair airwaves. Seriously, I’d rather watch the six existing episodes of The Ropers than suffer through the trials of two inbred scofflaws that spend way too much time vying for the attention of their cousin. I have always wondered what the fascination was with this show, save for the car, which still wasn’t as cool as Starsky and Hutch’s car. And given that the movie version features Johnny Knoxville (he should really just stick to jackassing), Sean William “I Channel Stiffler into Every Role I Play” Scott, Jessica “Can You Say Overexposed?” Simpson, and Burt “I Don’t Need to See the Script – Just Cut Me a Check” Reynolds, I now have reinstated my hatred for the entire concept with renewed vigor. Only Willie Nelson’s involvement keeps me on this side of the brink of insanity – thank you, Redheaded Stranger!

• My friend from college Marty Casey is a contestant on the latest in the never-ending string of new reality show concepts, CBS’s Rock Star: INXS. The premise is simple: 15 aspiring rock stars audition for you, the viewing public, to replace autoerotic asphyxiation victim Michael Hutchence as the front man of INXS. Hosts David Navarro (who calls Marty "Holmes" in one episode - priceless) and Brooke Burke tantalize these hopefuls with the prospect of playing giant stadiums with hundreds of thousands of screaming fans as video footage of INXS concerts play in the background (however, I suspect that this footage is circa 1989, so I’m not quite sure just how tantalized anyone should really be at this prospect). One of the existing members of INXS, complete with the requisite bad hair, lame sunglasses and perma-tan one would expect from an aging rocker, says that playing with INXS is “the most fun you can have with your pants on!” (The camera then cut to my friend Marty as he let out a belly-laugh at this horrendous joke – don’t sell your soul to Aussie rock and roll, my friend!). In reality, the best possible thing for Marty would be to finish second because a) he would get maximum exposure, while b) not having to actually front a bunch of has-beens. Good luck, Marty! Readers, please go to cbs.com and vote for Marty early and often – after all, that’s the Chicago way!

• My other new summertime TV addiction will no doubt be ABC’s Brat Camp – a show about troubled teens who get duped by their parents into attending a two month camp whose sole purpose is to whip their punk asses into shape. Maybe it’s their living conditions (outdoors in Oregon in November, eating nothing but pintos, rice and oats), perhaps it’s the vague descriptions they assign to each teen (i.e. “Angry Punk”; “Compulsive Liar”, “Self-Destructive Drug User”; “Tried to Stab Twin”), or it might be the back-to-nature names adopted by the granola camp counselors (i.e. “Little Big Bear”; “Mountain Wind”; “Mother Raven”; “Glacier”), but whatever it is, I’m hooked. Now, Michelle points out that I shouldn’t laugh at these rapscallions and their problems – she notes that this could happen to any parent, including us approximately 13-15 years from now. I, of course, counter with the argument that if our kids have gotten that out of control, it means that I likely had my entire frontal lobe removed 10 years prior. We agree to disagree sometimes.

• (Note: the following blurb was written last week – more to come after Bush announces his nominee) Hey, remember the last few times I’ve babbled about the Supreme Court’s latest blunders, pointing out that Sandra Day O’Connor is often the only voice of reason? Well wouldn’t you know it, she’s decided to step down! And during the George W. Bush Administration, no less! So that means with Rehnquist likely to step down, W gets not one, but two Supreme Court nominees, one of which may be Alberto “The Geneva Convention Sure is Quaint” Gonzalez! Of course, he may not get the nod because many Republicans feel that he’s too soft on abortion and other controversial issues. At this point, if you saw me and decided to bash my skull in with a piano leg, I probably wouldn’t be that upset about it.

• After receiving my 3,297th credit card solicitation of July that said all I had to do was sign my name and I’d get a $15k credit line, I thought to myself, “why would some poor, unsuspecting corporation voluntarily give me $15,000 without having any real assurance that I’d every pay it back?” Don’t these people realize that I would likely spend this money on video games and hashish? I thought these companies to be complete fools. Then some information from the Motley Fool came to my attention:

o Total consumer credit card debt: $1.7 trillion
o Average credit card debt per American: $8500
o Total finance charges paid by Americans in 2001: $50 billion

Fifty billion dollars??? We paid $50 billion just to sit on an outstanding balance and buy shit we really couldn’t afford??? Now, I don’t claim to be innocent here – I’ve had my share of debt at one point or another (knock on wood – it’s gone). But seriously, with these kinds of numbers, you’d be an idiot not to offer people ridiculous amounts of cash they can’t ever possibly pay back. You want a new flat screen DLP TV? Charge it! How about a vacation to Bali? Charge it! Running low on cash at the riverboat casino? Charge it! Can’t make rent? Charge it! Just pay us crazy amounts of money to keep charging it and we’re all good! Apparently it’s the American way. Now, excuse me while I go peruse Visa’s websites for job openings.

Until next time...