News and Notes - August 1, 2005

• Good news, everyone! The War on Terror is over! That’s right, we are no longer fighting a war on terror, or even a war on global terrorism! The folks at the Pentagon thought that using the term “war” conjured up too many images of people in uniforms marching in rank and not firing until we see the whites of their eyes and all that happy stuff. So thanks to the power of the Euphemism, the war has ended, and the Struggle against Global Extremism has begun! Given that a struggle is probably easier to win than a war, this is a good thing! Now that our brave leaders have properly shifted their focus on violent zealots who hijack a religion in order to achieve some maddening end that they claim is God’s will, it should only be a matter of time until abortion clinic bombers are eradicated! Oh, and those Muslim extremists as well.

• Like the torrent of locusts that plagued the Pharaoh’s Egypt, a whole slew of new reality shows will soon be coming our way faster than you can say “Trista Rehn-Sutter”. Not that it’s gotten out of hand or anything, but the website realitytvworld.com offers links to information on no fewer than 35 reality shows; or as I like to say, 35 good reasons to take a sledgehammer to your TV. One of the biggest offenders is NBC, who will be rolling out the following line-up of trash in favor of something say, scripted and original:

o Want to tug at those pesky heartstrings but don’t have the time or the stomach? Three Wishes, hosted by Christian Soldier Amy Grant, will fulfill your desire to become emotionally attached to people you’d likely ignore if you saw them on the street. Apparently, NBC will go to various towns across the country and cure all of their problems by giving them three wishes – as long as they “come from the heart”, there is “no limit to what this show can do and how many lives it can change.” Really? So if from the bottom of my heart I want to raise someone from the dead, NBC can make that happen? And this has the potential to save, say 250 million lives? Fucking awesome!

o Are you or someone you love obese? Of course, silly, this is America, where you’re more likely to be or know an obese person than you are to have the ability to locate Iraq on a map! That’s why you should tune into the next installment of The Biggest Loser, which to me is a hilarious title because, while they’re commending people for losing the most weight, they’re really saying that fat people are big losers. Think these folks can lay off the Popeye’s and Baskin Robbins for a few weeks? You’ll have to tune in and find out!

o Are you a modern man with a gender role viewpoint that harkens back to the glory days of sock hops, poodle skirts and Communist witch hunts? Maybe you should whore your family out for Meet Mister Mom, where moms (who, being women, naturally stay at home with the kids) are sent on a vacation while their ingrate wage-earning husbands stay home to run the household. According to NBC’s vague description of this surefire hit, “the results are funny, heartwarming and something every busy family can relate to!” Well, every busy family outside of single parent households below the poverty line, but hell, they’re watching UPN anyway, so who cares!

o Hey, if you thought the business savvy go getters of The Apprentice weren’t insufferably arrogant enough for your tastes, NBC has the perfect remedy: The Law Firm! Since everyone can appreciate how much good a “promising young attorney” can add to American society, surely we will all enjoy watching them develop from fresh-faced go-getters to ludicrously rich, divorced assholes in the coming weeks. Contests include the Ambulance Chase Cannonball Run, the Frivolous Lawsuit Shuffle, and the Bottomless Pocket Corporate Defense. The winner receives a one year job in a law firm and an 85% fee from Donald Trump’s next divorce hearing.

Yes, friends – Must See TV is back and better than ever! Who needs writers when there are millions of misguided souls looking to fulfill the American dream and be on TV? Not me!

• In other Reality TV news, don’t forget about Reality TV’s biggest and brightest whores, er, stars appearing in E! televisions made-for-hell show/movie Kill Reality, which if I am not mistaken takes a bunch of people who were overexposed the minute they appeared on our airwaves and finds another way to shove them down our throats. And it’s almost time to bust out those tank tops and nut-hugger shorts, because Bravo’s Battle of the Network Reality Stars is ready to hit our summer airwaves in an effort make us more culturally void than we already are (note: only if humanly possible). I just can’t wait until these shows go the way of the Game Show fad – that way, we can look forward to a Reality Network on obscure basic cable, which will no doubt feature a reality show about people trying to get on a reality show about being on a reality show. We should only be so lucky.

• The king is dead – long live the king! Fellow infidel and U.S. Sugar Daddy King Fahd of Saudi Arabia died at age 82-84, which makes him eligible to pitch for the Dominican Republic in the Little League World Series. And the White House mourns. My only question is whether he still gets the 72 virgins, or if they are reserved for those who die with the blood of the infidels on their hands? Just curious.

• The UN needs tough love, and here comes their dominatrix – John Bolton, who was appointed during a Senate recess by that wily President Bush, thereby avoiding any blockage in the Senate (note to self: use this phrase as your new euphemism for constipation). I hear this guy’s a ball buster (a colleague once noted that Bolton was a “kiss up, kick down sort of guy”) so those pricks at the UN better watch their step. Now I want to give Mr. Bolton and his hair-trigger temper the benefit of the doubt, so I have all the way into the second week of October in my office pool for when he tells Kofi Annan to go fuck himself for the first time. Make me proud, John.

• Marty Casey update from the Rock Star: INXS site on cbs.com – “Dave then tells Marty he knows he gave him a hard time last night about his performance of Nirvana’s ‘Lithium’. Dave jokingly pouts, ‘I’ve only been booed twice in my career, and both times were last night.’ He adds, ‘Obviously, you listened to [the band] when it came to the stage craft clinic.’ Kirk agrees, and tells Marty that the band wants him to do an encore. The audience erupts with applause. Marty takes center stage and kills again, getting a standing O from the band.”

Looks like Marty has won the favor of Carmen Electra’s sideshow act of a husband, an aging band fading into obscurity, and a crowd of people assembled for the sole purpose of cheering for singers on a CBS show. I can’t wait to be one of those losers who comes out of the woodwork to say I knew him when – I am already tweaking my resume for the soon-to-be-open position of groupie screener. I’m here when you need me, Marty!

• Does anyone else realize that we’re only a month and a half away from Hilary Duff’s 18th birthday? It warrants mentioning.

• Fresh from the pages of Us Weekly: Jude Law is a fucking idiot. Mr. Law, whom I always thought was a pretty good actor, has proved himself to be nothing more than a foolish scoundrel. He has openly admitted to cheating on his extremely attractive fiancée (Siena Miller) with his children’s moderately attractive nanny. Not only that, but one of his kids (from a previous lady) caught the two of them in bed. Furthermore, the nanny claimed to the London Mirror that Jude referred to her as “delicious and wonderful.” Did he have a momentary lapse of reason? Don’t you think simply breaking up with your fiancée is a better career move for a celebrity than screwing the nanny? Is Sienna such a cold fish that simple masturbation wasn’t enough of an outlet? Will Sean Penn become offended once someone cracks a “Jude Law sleeps with women that are not his fiancée” joke? These questions are likely to remain unanswered as, aside from my initial theory that Law is indeed an idiot, I just don’t care that much. Bang away, Jude – you won’t have me breathing down your neck!

Until next time…