All Hope is Lost

It's official - there is no hope for the future of this country. I just looked up this weekend's box office totals for the weekend and saw that The Dukes of Hazzard pulled in $30 million. THIRTY MILLION DOLLARS!!! I believe I am safe in assuming that the majority of people who went ot see this movie are either a) under 25 years old or b) mentally retarded. Hence, this is why I believe that there is no hope for our future.

Now, I have never seen this "film", nor do I plan on doing so. But being a pretty well-educated person with an wry sense of humor and my frontal lobe intact, this should not come as a surprise to anyone. Seeing as I am going to be a father (yes, a father) within the next few months, it saddens me that one day I will have to sit my child down and say "Junior/Sissy, sometimes it is OK to judge a book by its cover." I am terrified of the dark, desolate future that awaits us, not because of the alarming rate at which our armed forces are dying in Iraq, not because there are millions of Islamic fundamentalists who want each and every one of us dead, not even because our civil liberties are under all-out assault by our Executive, Judicial and Legislative branches, but rather because of the constant dumbing down process that Hollywood and the celebrity-glorifying media is shoving straight up the ass of America's youth.

Let's take a quick look at this fine film, shall we? It centers around two male redneck cousins driving around in a car named after the leader of the military force of a pro-slavery society. Hey, I'm all for state's rights and small government, but come on! Just to drive the point home, there's a big ol' Confederate Flag slapped on top of said vehicle, which I'm sure makes the states of Georgia and South Carolina quite happy, but might tend to piss off a few other folks because of what it represents. "Oh, stop being so PC, you ass" you might say - yeah, I guess I should tone down my contempt for a symbol of owning human beings as property - I'll get right on that. They drive around the rural South running moonshine made by their uncle while oggling their sexed-up female cousin and avoiding the law. Now I'm all about avoiding the law - the less laws the better, but the message might come off better if you didn't throw in scenes where the two Duke boys mistakenly don blackface and drive into a black neighborhood - that may have played well in the '40s but I think this brand of comdedy is a bit past its time.

And what of the actors in this fine movie? Sean William Scott graced the big screen in the American Pie/Wedding triumverant, where in two more memorable scenes he drinks semen and is urinated upon. Johnny Knoxville hangs out with guys who eat piss-laced snow cones, shoot bottle rockets out of their asses and kick each other in the balls (by the way, I love Jackass and Jackass: The Movie, but these antics do not a movie star make). Burt Reynolds has gone from being a great actor to somewhat of a whore who will star in just about anything - I'm still waiting for him to jump on the remake of Deliverance where this time he'll play one of the hillbilly rapists. Willie Nelson, while a great musical artist, failed to pay his taxes (apparently a big no-no in this country). And then there's Jessica Simpson, a dimwit who needs to go the hell away if only for the fact that her father may be the creepiest man on the face of the earth. If I have to hear her version of "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'" one more time, I may try and puncture my own eardrums with my compass from 10th grade geometry class.

Why does it bother me so much that Dukes raked in so much dough? Aren't I the same person who lists Porky's, Hot Dog: The Movie, and Spring Break among my all time favorite cheesy movies? Yes. Have I become so old and crotchety that I hate all things young and hip? Maybe. Do I just wish I was as cool as Johnny Knoxville and Sean William Scott? Highly doubtful. Perhaps I was rooting for this movie to fail so hard simply because of how overexposed the whole concept was before it even hit theaters (while perusing our Tivo last week, Michelle and I noticed that the M-T-W guests on ABC's Good Morning America were Scott, Knoxville and Simpson, respectively - needless to say, these episodes were not recorded). Maybe I still have such a deep-rooted hatred for the TV show that I want anything featuring the Duke boys to fail. It could be that, seeing as the South did indeed lose the Civil War, I feel it's time for them to just give up and assimilate (apologies to Mark). Whatever the cause, I urge the parents of America to withhold their children's allowances if this is the kind of schlock it's going to support. Either that, or start saving for their lobotomies.

Bonus News and Note

- Seacrest...clothed! American Idol host, metrosexual and douchebag Ryan Seacrest is releasing his own line of clothing called "The R Line" (TM). This line will feature "men's and women's shirts featuring a relaxed weekend vibe with undeniable Hollywood style." Well, now I recant everything I just said - the future is indeed a bright one now that we can all dress like soulless troglodytes! Thanks Ryno!

J...OUT!