At Long Last

I'm eighteen and I like it!

From "Eighteen" by Alice Cooper

My God - I never thought this day would arrive. All the days, months, years of waiting, pining, hoping, and the day of days is finally here! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to report, that today, September 28, 2005, Hilary Duff turns 18-years-old.

As some of my nine readers who have been reading my crap for a while may remember, I first expressed my wildly inappropriate crush on Ms. Duff back in late-2002, when The Lizzie McGuire Movie was released by those fiends at Disney - seeing as I never watched the Disney Channel, I had never heard of this character (nor the fact that she was a Junior High student), nor had I any awareness of the cute-as-pie actress that graced the McGuire billboards on Chicago's Western Avenue. One day, while driving with Michelle, I pointed to the billboard and stated that I thought that the actress, whom I had come to learn was named Hilary Duff, was quite cute. As she recoiled in horror, Michelle barked, "Jason, she's fifteen!!!" My world came crashing down - I was only 28 at the time, but I had already morphed into a vile, dispicable old masher. I felt sick beyond words.

During the next three years, as I sought a wholesome outlet for my mad thoughts, I continually alluded to this unnatural crush in my writings, partly to ridicule myslef, and partly because, well, I thought she was cute! But soon (strike that - IMMEDIATELY) after I learned of her true age, I declared my crush officially dead - when I read that blurb in Us Weekly where Ms. Duff discussed her general disinterest in dating older men (even though I believe that her current boyfriend is 28 - cruel fate, why do you mock me?), I knew I had made the right decision. Plus, having a wife tends to put the kibash on your dating life, so naturally that played a part.

However, today represents the dawning of a new day - Hilary is 18 now, and therefore is considered "legal" in states outside of Georgia and Alabama. Sadly though, her transformation into one of the many overexposed starlet/musician/fashion moguls that continue to haunt the L.A. landscape has turned me off of her intoxicating persona - now that I am legally (although still creepily) able to resume my crush, I find myself unwilling to do so. This is indeed a bittersweet day, as it has been circled in red on my calendar for three years running. However, I thought it an appropriate opportunity to relive some of my favorite Hilary Duff references of the past few years. Please enjoy - and welcome to adulthood, Hilary!

• Damn you, Hollywood! How can you put out ads for The Lizzie McGuire Movie without first telling me that Hilary Duff is only 15?!?!?! Oh, the humanity! (It’s the slowest web page ever, even slower than Hilary’s excruciatingly slow crawl to age 18: www.Hilaryduff.com). Lucky for me, I cannot be jailed for signing up for Hilary’s mailing list, complete with hot news, special offers and more! I will be sure to bring you all the breaking Hilary news, once I have screened it for content of course.

• Another great thing about those loveable programmers over at Fox – immediately following American Juniors, a show featuring fresh-faced children performing wholesome bubblegum tunes for pre-teens all over America, is the warm and fuzzy Paradise Hotel. I mean, no sooner have we faded to black on Ryan Seacrest telling us to tune in to see which 11-year-old will become the next Hilary Duff (had to sneak that one in there – she’ll be 18 some day…) then we see hot scenes featuring sexy shirtless males flexing their abdominal muscles in yet another bizarre mating ritual while playing Musical Sluts with gorgeous ladies in slinky bikinis while the “Parental Discretion – Strong Sexual Content” disclaimer is thrown in our faces. Having been an 11-year-old myself, I can tell you that this stern warning would have sent me immediately to my parents to ask their permission (thereby forcing them to use their discretion) to watch these sexy singles frolic about in all of their sexiness.

• (Talking about DeGrassi: The Next Generation): It’s strange that I get so entertained when I hear cracking male and falsetto female adolescent voices speak with that cute Canadian accent. And there are so many faces from the past! In those collective 7 minutes, I saw Joey Jeremiah (complete with shaved head) and epilepsy-sufferer Caitlin console some poor young soul whose father had died. In addition, I sat jaw agape as I watched Snake, he of the gay basketball-playing brother, and now a balding, heavier teacher, console Emma, the daughter of Spike (whom my brother Greg harbored an unnatural, Hilary Duff-esque crush on back in the early ‘90s), regarding the fact that her father Shane, the acid-head who jumped off a bridge, was now back from the nuthouse or wherever for a visit.

• Welcome to Disney MGM Studios! Enjoy the many exhibits and shows! Observe the plentiful advertisements for Disney films and quality ABC-produced television entertainment! On a wholly unrelated topic, were you aware that Disney owns ABC? No? Well, go to Disney MGM Studios and they’ll cram that fact so far down your throat that you’ll shit it out in a scant 20 minutes. Posters for According to Jim, The George Lopez Show, NYPD Blue, Alias, My Wife and Kids, The Practice – if it’s on ABC, it’s on a wall somewhere in this theme park. More ABC/Disney fun: Drew Carey is featured in a horrible sound demonstration show, Ellen “Alan” Degeneres is in the Energy exhibit in EPCOT (with Bill Nye the Science Guy, no less), song and dance funnyman Wayne Brady was on hand to film his variety Christmas special (a formula that never gets old) and I spotted an ad for former Disney Channel wonder Hilary Duff‘s new album Metamorphosis on the back lot tour (sorry, old habits die hard).

• (Talking about The Ashlee Simpson Show): In the episode I was lucky enough to witness, a scene where Ashleeeeeeee talks about how she doesn’t want to be compared to teen celebrity sensation Hilary Duff was brilliantly followed up by a scene of Ashleeeee and her friends at lunch (probably at a hot celeb hangout frequented by big sis Jessica!) being approached by a young fan who mentioned to Ashleeeeee that her favorite singer was Hilary Duff. Meow! I’m sure there are even bigger things to come from Ashleeeeee Simpson – keep your eyes peeled for her appearance in a Cinemax B-grade soft porn flick sometime around 2009.

• Does anyone else realize that we’re only a month and a half away from Hilary Duff’s 18th birthday? It warrants mentioning.

• I am coming to you LIVE from flight 160 with service from San Francisco to Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport and, wouldn’t you know it, we’re only scheduled to be 40 minutes late! I love landing at 12:45 AM, don’t you? I wonder if that captain will break his arm patting himself on the back as he tells us about United’s #1 on-time rating? Until I get the answer to that question, maybe I’ll enjoy my fourth-consecutive viewing of Bringing Down the House, which does a wonderful job of rehashing the good old days of the Jim Crow Laws. However, before I could relive the madcap stereotypical humor (oh look, an old lady is smoking pot and getting the munchies!), I must sit on the tarmac in an un-air-conditioned plane and flip through the thrilling articles of Hemispheres (which actually had a fine “Perfect 3 Days” vacation article featuring The Great City of Chicago – the activities and accommodations they suggested would probably only run you about $1,500 for the weekend). Much to my delight, while perusing the musical selections, I come to realize that channel 12 the in-flight entertainment network is featuring songs from the film Lizzie McGuire, which stars, you guessed it, my former unnatural crush Hilary Duff! Well, apparently Ms. Duff dabbles in both acting and singing, so as the crack staff at SFO struggled to fix the plane’s hydraulic system, I took a listen to her latest smash hit tune entitled Why Not. A sampling:

Why not (why not)
Take a crazy chance?
Why not (why not)
Do a crazy dance?

Maybe the title should have been Why Try and Come Up With Clever Rhymes. There were also lines about wearing yellow when you want to wear gold and discussing how you can’t get to heaven, or even L.A., without desire or some crap. It made my head spin, and it was almost enough to make me stop wishing that I were 15 again. Almost.

Until next time...