Cover Hi-Jinx

(Disclaimer notice to my loyal Cub fan readers, should I still have any: I realize that you are all quite sick of hearing about the White Sox, and I also realize that I am becoming as insufferable as ESPN.com’s Sports Guy and his incessant ramblings about the Red Sox, but I must be true to what I am, and right now that is pissed off and needing to get something off of my slightly too-hairy chest).

Seventeen years as a subscriber and this is the thanks I get.

Yes, I have been a loyal reader and subscriber of athletic-themed periodical Sports Illustrated since the summer of 1988, when I was a 14-year-old little shit whose days consisted of swimming at the public pool, playing baseball, riding bikes and wondering what crafty things I needed to say in order to get to second base with the various girls in my sphere of influence. Magical times to say the least. In addition to my newfound love of breasts, I also had a long-standing love for sports – most importantly (you guessed it), the Chicago White Sox. Since I was much younger, the one hope I had is that I would see my beloved boys of summer win the fall classic and grace the cover of my favorite magazine, just like Dan Hampton and the boys had done back in that glorious February 1986 issue. Throughout the 1990s, I saw Michael and the Bulls earn cover after cover with their impressive run of six titles. I quietly, patiently and, yes, somewhat bitterly watched the parade of Cubs related covers, from Sammy Sosa’s potentially chemically-fueled power surge and the Wild Card of ’98 to the exciting-yet-tragic run of 2003 to the bold prediction of a Cubs World Championship in 2004. And I never even so much as bitched at the fact that the Blackhawks, not even Bobby-fucking-Hull, never made an SI cover (given the state of that franchise since 1996, I shouldn’t be that surprised).

So when the Sox finally won the AL Pennant, naturally I was ecstatic and, being the glutton for punishment I am, I couldn’t wait to see what kind of treatment they got in the National Media. When the NBA Preview issue arrived, the Sox got an upper corner mention for their achievement. “No big deal,” I thought, “they always give the NBA preview the cover – I’ll just ride it out until the World Series starts.” Of course it was thrilling for me that the next week’s cover featured Scott Podsendik’s dramatic home run off of Brad Lidge in Game 2, and my mind was racing thinking of what glorious image would grace the next week’s championship celebration issue. I made my appointment at the Great Frame Up in giddy anticipation and waited patiently for yesterday’s mail…

…and that’s when I was forced to stare straight into the faces of Peyton Manning and Tom Brady standing on either side of the headline “The Duel: Monday Night – Peyton Manning vs. Tom Brady – Best Two Quarterbacks in the Game – Who Will Win?” And there, in the upper right hand corner, hovering slightly above the halo that adorns Tom Brady’s deified persona, was a half-dollar-sized photo of the Series celebration encircled by the words: “World Series Champs – Chicago White Sox.” Naturally, I was a bit incensed by this – is the bigger sports story of the week SI’s prognostication over a mid-season NFL tilt with a tired, predictable story line, or is it the fact that a team that hadn’t won a title in 88 years finally broke through? What am I missing? Am I overreacting? Am I nothing but a bitter, scorned Sox fan with a typical Sox fan inferiority complex? You bet I’m bitter, and yes, I feel scorned. And sure, being 5’5”, I may have somewhat of a complex. But there’s more to it than this. I decided to see what precedent SI set last year, when America’s Darlings, the Ben Affleck-endorsed Boston Red Sox won their first title in 86 years. Hurt and puzzled, I did my research and found the following covers from 2004

• July 5, 2004: Photo of everyone’s favorite schizophrenic miscreant Manny Ramirez
• September 13, 2004: Soon-to-be cult hero-turned-washed up has-been Curt Schilling is featured, who is reportedly very supportive of George W. Bush (he and a whopping 37% of the nation) and has a direct line of communication to God Himself.
• November 1, 2004: Red Sox-Cardinals World Series Coverage; reference to 3,459th story on the Curse of the Bambino.
• November 8, 2004: “New Era: What’s next for Boston’s New World Champions” featuring Schilling, soon-to-be Met Pedro Martinez, and ape-man/Christ lookalike Johnny Damon wrapping his arms around David Ortiz in a lovingly homoerotic fashion as they bask in the glow of the World Series trophy.
• December 6. 2004: SI’s Sportsmen of the Year? Why it’s the Boston Red Sox and Red Sox Nation! Big surprise there! Read about all the anguish and joy and dead people from New Hampshire who are now smiling down from Heaven!

Keep in mind that littered among these Red Sox covers are five covers featuring the other Greatest Team in the History of Mankind, the New England Patriots. Also keep in mind that since the beginning of the ‘90s, the most recent Podsednik cover represented only the fifth White Sox cover (and one of those was Michael Jordan playing AA ball). Yes, the Sox have been sorely disappointing over that time, but come on.

What’s my point to all this? Do I even have a point? Am I, as I mentioned, nothing but a bitter little White Sox fan that should just shut up and enjoy his team’s championship? Most likely. Am I jealous of Boston and all the attention they’ve been getting? Who wouldn’t be jealous of three Super Bowls wrapped around a World Series? Of COURSE I’m jealous – this jealousy has led me to this bitter state, and now I feel wrath towards Boston and the National Media – couple that with my feelings of envy and my earlier breast references and that’s THREE deadly sins I am currently succumbing to because of SI's slight! And that ain’t good.

Here’s my actual point: when it’s taken so long to reach the mountain top, aside from the personal joy and satisfaction I feel from a team I love winning it all, it would feel that much better if that team that I love so dearly got just a little bit of due recognition. I’m not asking for statues of A.J. Pierzynski to be erected nationwide. I’m not asking for Tom Verducci to pen a glowing, gushing account of “White Sox Nation” (I do submit that when a team is the only game in town in six rather densely-populated states, their fan base is bound to be a bit larger than normal, but I bitterly digress). And I’m not asking that the 2005 White Sox be declared the greatest team in sports history. All I’m asking is for what SI seems to have given every other major college or pro championship team in the 17 years I’ve been a subscriber. Both of my grandfathers died before the Sox had a chance to win; my dad waited 58 years; my brother waited 35 and I waited 31. My only question: Where’s our cover?

Until next time…