J is Lazy: Best Of J

The Jackson-Feldman Tapes

(originally published on the disasterous MySpace site, February 22, 2005)

It appears that child mega-star Corey Feldman has been subpoenaed in the Michael Jackson kiddie-rape trial. Apparently, all of the news coming out about the King of Pop & Little Boy Fondling caused the star of such hits as “Meatballs 4”, “Blown Away”, and “The Thief and The Stripper” to reevaluate some of his encounters with his former friend. In fact, I was able to obtain a never-before released audio tape from an undisclosed source that reveals the details of one such sordid encounter. In this tape, we hear Jackson stepping out of line as he helps Feldman learn his lines for the 1985 hit “Goonies”:

Feldman: OK, Mike, let’s take it from the top of page 12. You’ll read as Data and I’ll be Mouth.

Jackson: Ooh, ‘Mouth’…I like that.

F: Um, just read the lines…

J: OK, Mouth…“Jeez Mouth, what’s the matter with...”…say, Corey, is this Data kid the Asian one?

F: Yeah, Jonathan Ke Quan plays him.

J: Oooh, I like those Asian boys. Should I talk like one? Ching chong chang!

F: Mike, that’s not very nice.

J: Do you have Jonathan’s phone number? Maybe he wants to come hang out…

F: Look, I really need to learn these lines…

J: Sure, whatever you say, Mouth

F: Why do you keep saying “Mouth” like that?

J: Well, I… (Unintelligible; struggling)…Are these Fruit of the Loom?

Sadly, the tape cuts out at this point, and we are only left to wonder what happened to poor Corey.