I Have Gas

This is a public service announcement - as of the time of this posting, I have gas.

This is not your every day, run-of-the mill gas. Were this so, I would not feel the need to profess my gaseousness across these blogwaves. This is not the gas that one typically gets from completing their regular cycle of eating, digesting and excreting. No, this is something more powerful, more dastardly, more sinister than your average bout of flatulence.

This is the type of gas that makes you question your own health and, yes, the existence of God. This is "Dear Lord, I hope nobody comes within 25 feet of me right now" gas. This is "oh boy, is this a fart or a shit?" gas. It is "any creature under 45 pounds would surely die if they caught a whiff of this" gas. It's brutal.

What have I done to deserve this? What could I have perpetrated against the souls that guide fate and the cosmos? What Karmic withdrawal did I instigate that has now come back to haunt me in the form of this vociferous, malodorous ailment? What crawled up my ass and died?

Please be mindful that great care must be taken in my current condition - I am surrounded on all sides by air-breathing individuals with a keen sense of hearing and a knack for visiting me at the most inopportune of moments. In addition, the temperament of this gas has somehow confused the section of my brain that alerts my bowels when to clench and my anus when to open in an effort to unleash whatever waste product lies within. Therefore, I am naturally concerned for both my social and physical well-being as a result of this gas. This is certainly disheartening.

Oh my God, here comes one....UGH!

Thankfully that was silent, but God forbid another human being come within my vicinity right now. They too will wonder just what unholy activities are occurring inside my digestive tract. They'll wonder if I've contracted some horrid, contagious ailment that I will pass on to them, leaving them at the mercy of their own foul odor.

Was it those steak tacos I had for lunch yesterday? Or the green beans from the night before? I am truly perplexed.

Yes friends, I have gas. Steer clear until further notice.

Until next time...