Off the Deep End...

...and into a full-page newspaper advertisement near you, it's Chicago's favorite son, severely misguided, heavily-medicated, grunge rocker extraordinaire - Billy Corgan!

Yes, folks, those of us here in The Greatest City in the World got a real treat yesterday when we opened our Chicago Tribunes to find a full page ad from BC himself touting the release of his new CD, excuse me, solo album "TheFutureEmbrace". Is it one word? Is it three? Whatever it is, I now have the urge to embrace the future. Or is it to look forward to a future embrace - I'm not sure.

Hey, it's easy to get lost when you step inside the mind of Mr. Corgan. A while back I begged you to go read his insane ramblings (not to be confused with these mad ramblings) at mySpace.com/BillyCorgan - oh what fun you'll have! Now, as if exposing himself as a disturbed young man on a sparsely-read website (I know it seems like I'm referring to myself again, but rest assured I am not), Bill feels the need to try and reach the readership of the Tribune in an effort to scream, "Look at me! Hug me! Love me!" Desperate times call for desperate measures, I suppose.

Let's break down the ad, shall we? Bill tells us that the day of said ad is "a special day in my life" because he has a solo album coming out. I seem to recall when Paul McCartney took out a full-page ad in the London Daily Mail about how special a day it was when he released "McCartney" - OK, that never happened. Neither did Sir Paul waiting 5 years after his first band's break up to put out more music, but I digress. Bill is excited because his "very first solo album" was coming out - not to be confused with his very first diary or his very first wet dream - special times, each and every one.

He then tells us that his album's "embers bear witness to [Chicago's] unique soul" - which of course tells me it has overtones of corrupt government, racial strife and shitty sports teams. Bill then goes on a wonderful "look where I get to go" name dropping rant about his return from Europe, and his future plans to travel to such exotic locales as Japan, Australia, New Zealand and Atlanta! Bring me back a souvenir, if you please!

Next, we are informed that "'TheFutureEmbrace' is an album of hope, and represents fully my desire to make music to stand and fight for." I guess that's better than making music you'd want to stand up and fight against, such as anything by Bruce Springsteen, John Mellencamp or The Eagles. Given that he's also writing his life story online (see aforementioned website), it's evident that "this truly has been a creative time for me, with many new revelations". One can only sit and wonder what majestic hallucinations Paxil might bring to all of us!

As he begins talking about his decision to reunite Smashing Pumpkins (fans of 1994 rejoice!), he gives his reasoning for the reunion plans: "What I have been really trying to do is find that same kid again, the one who believed he could change the world with a song." I believe that's already been done, Bill - that 1971 Coke song changed the world into a hellish utopia where non-drug-using hippies hold hands and drink toxic liquids on mountain tops.

Seeing as Bill "naively tried to start a new band," the only cure seemed to be to "move back home to heal what was broken in me" (read: his brain) "and to my surprise I found what I was looking for." After announcing that his plan is to revive the Pumpkins (I still can't believe James Iha would even be available!), Bill pours his heart out: "I want my band back, and my songs, and my dreams." Well, as reader Jeremy points out: "I would like the $12.50 I paid for Siamese Dream back." Sadly, we can't always get what we want, not even our dreams. Sniff.

Per Bill's closing, "there is so much work to do, and as always, so little time!" That being said, I better get back to doing something more important than reading money-wasting ads placed by mentally disturbed malcontents.

"Rock on, and may God bless you!" Or, to put it another way...

Until next time...