Seize This, Honkus

No friends, I write to you today not about the great film that is History of the World Part I, specifically the delightful scene where the uncircumcised Gregory Hines tries to pass himself off as Jewish so he won’t get sent to the lions. Rather, I refer to yet another blow to the common man. Sadly, it is now official that the Supreme Court has dropped the ball twice in the same month. First, it was the buzzkilling dick move of shooting down medical marijuana. Now CNN.com is reporting that the no-so-high court has ruled in a 5-4 decision that “local governments may seize people’s homes or businesses – even against their will – for private economic development.” The case stems from complaints issued by New London, CT residents who were challenging that municipality’s right to seize their riverfront homes in order to build a hotel, health club and offices.

In this humble madman’s twisted mind, this means that, as long as you are able to exert a significant amount of influence in local government, you can basically bully those who don’t have the resources or knowledge necessary to fight your assertion that what you’re doing is for the “benefits of the community, including – but by no means limited to – new jobs and increased tax revenue,” as misguided Justice Paul Stevens blathered on in his majority opinion, out of their property so that you and your golf buddies can pad the coffers with a few extra dollars. Justices Scalia, O’Connor, Rehnquist and Thomas stood on the dissenting side (the latter three also the dissenters in the medical marijuana case). This makes me want to marry O’Connor, cure Rehnquist’s cancer, and overlook the fact that Thomas once put one of his pubic hairs on a Coke can as he sexually harassed his secretary. But sadly, they were not to be the victors in this case.

Well, this being America I can’t just stand by and let this get me down – I should “capitalize” on this new opportunity, shouldn’t I? I should play with the hand that’s dealt and make the best of it. That is why I am announcing my grand plans for a hotel/resort/shopping area in my hometown of Elmhurst, IL. Hey, since the Supreme Court didn’t specify that the community in question had to be depressed, why not go straight for an affluent suburb? I figure I could gather up some political influence, gather some capital and buy up every damn house in Mexicali Valley, the neighborhood of working class Hispanic, Greek and Eastern European families near my old neighborhood. That’ll work perfect, seeing as I’ll need maids for my hotels, managers to run my restaurants and folks to clean my office building!

I can see it now – my future employees and their families weeping at the front doors of their former homes as I lead a ribbon cutting ceremony from atop a bulldozer – how proud my investors and the local politicians whose pockets I’ve greased will be as they see new jobs and tax revenue popping up right before their eyes! And maybe they’ll use that tax revenue to subsidize housing for the folks they’ve misplaced – or maybe not. Hey, the Supreme Court says that those local politicians know what’s best for their constituency, so let them figure it out!

My resort will be awesome! I’m also planning on putting in a theme park that will feature people who have been uprooted and forced out throughout history – we’ll have Jewland, Kurdland, Palestineland, Serbland – it’ll be fun for the whole family! There’ll also be the Rockin’ Rumblin’ Refugee Camp, which is a place where the kiddies can run around in search of a new home for their family! Won’t that be exciting? And just like Six Flags has the loveable Looney Toons characters, my theme park will have its own cast of miscreants running about: Big Banker Bob (the overfed financier of the project), Mayor Valiant (the brave politician who exerted his clout in city council to force the other councilman to vote for approval of the plan), Dirk the Developer (who, like the beloved Bob the Builder, likes to bulldoze things – for example, people’s homes that were taken by brute force and clout money), and Ronnie the Refugee (that homeless scamp who’s always causing trouble by speaking up at city council meetings, squatting on his property and other silly home-saving measures). Yes folks, it’ll be fun for the whole family.

So after thinking it through, I think this property seizure thing might not be such a bad thing after all – as long as there’s money to be made, it’s gotta be good!

Until next time…